Teens and Twenties

I shall not spend a great deal of time on my growing up. Much of what I have to share about the journey is that which has happened over the last ten to fifteen years. But there were, perhaps a few details.

The boy grew and his feelings about this strange body did not change. He found that concentrating really hard had no effect as he would feel about and find the same bits there after praying or trying to perform the latest incantation. After a while he understood well that he was well and truly stuck.

I don’t think he knew there were options, but just as well. In those times he might well have been locked up in a psych ward. It isn’t clear that even his parents would have understood his mental landscape, as foreign to them as the surface of the moon.

He didn’t do much about the feelings. He was thrilled to find a book Son of Man that dealt in some way with changing sex and the experience of being female. He continued as the years went on to be intensely interested in what a woman’s experience of life was like, what their experience during sex was  like, perhaps because inside he really was female.

He tried to fit in, but failed in many ways. He was curious about girls but not so motivated to ask one out and as I look back I’m not sure how much of the desire to go to bed with a woman was societal pressure, curiosity or wanting to live vicariously in the object of his affection. This view is perhaps bolstered by some opportunities over the years that came and went without closer physical contact.

Looking back there might have been some same sex interest in him, but that too was very forbidden and ridiculed in his religious background. On the other hand this may be looking back with my current sexual orientation and reinterpreting what was going on then with today’s knowledge.

Yet living with the secret of being trans (not yet a term then) was pretty tolerable back then. In his mid twenties he read with great interest about  Walter Carlos becoming Wendy Carlos and even saw the performer in Boston at a Mac World Expo, passing by her and noticing  how passable she was.

Despite all that he married at 28 and fathered a child a few years later. He tried to be a good husband and a good father and fooled everyone for many years.


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