The Trial

After I had my initial adventure at the mall, I continued to venture out of the house on a fairly regular basis. As the months went by I started to spend first a day, then two and then sometimes the entire weekend (three days for me working a reduced schedule) as Rachel.

I reached July of that year (2013) and I finally came to a decision. I felt that my possible choices that allowed me to continue to function were to either transition and live full time as Rachel or to live a life in duality, Rachel outside of work and in male mode at work. For a variety of reasons the second wasn’t very palatable. It’s like saying sure, I’m ok with hamburger when you really want a nice porterhouse steak.

I would have liked to give P a say in this, but what kind of a position would that be for her. If she says yes she’s hurting herself for my benefit, if she says no, she’s hurting me for hers. That, plus some other private considerations led me to make the decision on my own.

Talking to the therapist we came up with a plan. P was to go on vacation with her family. While she did that I took a vacation in P-town, a very safe environment, as Rachel and effectively was able to live for a number of days there and when I returned home in female mode. I had a wonderful time in P-town and although the locals have very good “transdar” to go with their “gaydar” it just didn’t matter. What a great place to start my new life.

I came back enthusiastic. Given I had encountered some hormone related issues in the past I agreed to go off my testosterone supplement and see if my feelings remained unchanged, and to wait ten weeks to see if I changed my mind. The time passed and I made an appointment to see one of the few endocrinologists that specialize in HRT for trans people. I started HRT just as Autumn came in, 17 months after coming out to my wife and rabbi.

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