Why a Little is at least Sometimes not enough

You start down the path beset by shame, guilt and maybe even a little anger and resentment. You’re fighting various demons and figuring out not just the gender stuff but teasing it apart from sexual orientation issues. Then the cloud starts to lift a bit.

You get introduced to this vision of what life can be. You had this girl inside you and you get to let her out for an hour or two an evening a week maybe. It feels pretty good and pretty soon you need more. You feel happy and whole sitting there as her, not so good having to back to being him.

This progresses and even though you’re taking meds for your depression, if you don’t have enough time as her you start sliding back into that pit. A few hours becomes a day, a day becomes several days becomes all the time you can manage.

Then one day you start to realize that you are her. You are that woman and the guy you’ve been all those years was a fiction, a mask you wore to fool everyone. It had already started to chip around the edges, and it had kept the sunlight out of your soul. To be true you needed to stop being that fraud and you had to own the consequences.

All the years of wasted guilt and shame were over. It was painful to see people close hurt because you were doing things in order to keep living, to have a good decent life. Yet life is change, life is growth and life is adaptation.

Never look back, honor your past, live your present, have hope for your future.

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