What does it mean to be happy? Can you bottle and sell happiness or is it ephemeral, observable or invisible, measurable or not? Is there a sure recipe to find it and if there were, why are there so many unhappy people in the world? I sure don’t know the recipe.

They say money doesn’t bring happiness, but being poor doesn’t appear to help and studies bear that out. On the whole being well off makes you more likely to be happy, but is it the money that brought the happiness?

I made an interesting comment to my therapist, which I still find profound. I find myself truly happy for the first time in my life. How can this be and what the heck do I mean? Was I entirely joyless? No. I had many moments of being happy, but I didn’t live in a state of happiness, I was not content.

I do not claim to be content today. I have goals and I wish to obtain them. Yet I’m happy and what that means to me is that I exist without fundamental conflict between who I am and who I need to be, what I have and what I need, and a new found appreciation for what the word “need” really means.

By some standards and ways of looking at things I ought to be upset and moody and emotional. Over the past four months my spouse and I decided our marriage isn’t a survivor of my transition, and so I picked up and moved to a new place. I scheduled my SRS and BA surgery and will soon travel to Philadelphia (no rental car this time). So with a divorce proceeding, a surgery about to happen with an attendant recovery, and getting used to a new apartment one really could be upset.

Yet I love my new apartment. It is arranged as I wish and is filled with what I want and clean and orderly. While I’m divorcing, my spouse and I are both working hard to maintain our friendship and there is a lot of love after 35 years together to save. I truly want her to be happy. I am excited to be finally becoming the complete woman I’ve wanted to be my entire life.

To have more might be nice, but it would not necessarily make me happier. I seek new friends, new experiences, and to continue to add to the joy in the world. By this I will be and remain happy.


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