Escaping the Past

My prior incarnation, D, tended to be pretty argumentative. This was at its worse with people who were close to me. My therapist feels I was keeping them at a distance, and honestly, that might be a good explanation. I’d add that my interactions with my father growing up pushed me to defend my positions pretty aggressively, so maybe that had an influence as well.

When our daughter was home, a time from just immediately after I came out to about a year later, she got to see us as a couple and me as a person at our worst. The marital relationship was extremely stressed and we were also keeping her in the dark until we knew more or less what the outcome would be. After all, if I had been happy as a cross dresser she might never have had to know.

I was recovering from clinical depression and self control wasn’t a strong suit at the time. My daughter and I made a toxic pair at the dinner table. She was strident about a large number of environmental issues in a way that only a 22 year old can pull off, and I spared no expense to try and provide some alternative views with understandable consequences.

She would needle me at the table, she was upset I had removed my beard and complained to her mom that I was like a different person. I mistakenly thought I was projecting a female persona, but it was only that I was hurting her. I own that.

She was and is upset for a whole host of reasons and many of them just aren’t relevant anymore. I’m more inclined to listen now, and am much less inclined to argue. I am, with some exceptions, not really depressed although I’m sad and upset about the split in our marriage and I’m hurting badly to hear that our two hour discussion pre surgery still left her ready to judge me for writing a four line holiday greeting.

I still have some hope for the future, I hope our child doesn’t have to turn 40 to forgive me.

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2 thoughts on “Escaping the Past

  1. The last sentence in your last full paragraph confused me. You said “I’m sad and upset about the split in our marriage and I’m hurting badly to hear that our two hour discussion pre surgery still left _her_ ready to judge me for writing a four line holiday greeting.” Who does “her” refer to? Is it your marriage partner or your daughter?

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  2. I’ve edited the post. I was referring to the daughter, not the spouse. The spouse and I don’t blame one another regardless, we both have feet of clay and at some point our daughter will figure that out.

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