Looking Back

Toward the start of my journey I spent an awful lot of time asking why. Why did I feel this compulsion, why couldn’t I just deny it, and why the hell was I so unlucky to have this issue in my life.

Part of it was looking forward and asking what was going to be different. From that vantage it seemed like it was going to be almost nothing. Sure, I’d wear different clothing and use a different bathroom, but how much else would really change? Ah, well I wasn’t so smart about that, and I didn’t understand how the mind and body interact.

Seeing the world that way it seemed like an awful lot of effort and loss for little gain, although there was this really important benefit of being happy – not something to be underestimated.

Now I can take stock and be empathetic at how little I knew. Changing meant I could cast off the shell that held me back. It meant I could be the person I yearned to be without shame or stigma, whether or not that would have been a problem before is irrelevant. It means I feel right and genuine and my brain isn’t having conniptions with the mismatch between the inner map and the outer reality.

I can’t go back and tell my three years younger self it will all come out right and make sense, but I hope someone reading this will take some comfort from the message. It does get better.

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