January 26, 2016

This post isn’t themed, it isn’t educational, it’s just reflective. I’m coming up on three months post op and two years since I went full time. I was walking out of Lahey clinic today where I had what was definitely one too many doctor’s appointments over the last week (although I can’t say enough good things about the GYN I saw who sees a number of us post op girls).

As I was walking across to the parking garage it really struck me how normal my life as a woman has become and  how entirely gone my old life is. This is mostly a good thing, for my presented gender caused me pain, but also a loss. Today it just felt entirely completely normal, non stressful, and balanced. Would I, could I have ever hoped or dreamed this day would come?

I saw my primary care doctor for my physical yesterday. As above, too many doctors in too short a time! He’s been following my transition carefully and I think he hasn’t seen many if any post op women’s results. I’m still astonished to hear that you just can’t tell if you don’t already know.

He asked and I agreed to talk with another patient who’s starting out. Perhaps after I’ve helped ten people I’ll feel like I’m even in the cosmic ledger. All I know is that I feel a deep need to pay back what I’ve received in love, caring, and compassion.

I said this last Sunday that I’m a remedial listener and I truly meant it. Until all too recently there was nothing I like to hear it seemed but my own voice. Sitting quietly has helped me to discover other’s voices and to start to know them. It’s a journey, not a destination and I’m not sure I’ll reach the end. Surely to help others I need to hear and see more than show and tell.

Physically I’m still healing, but it’s much harder to see since it’s pretty much all internal. I overdid yesterday and was exhausted early today. A young transwoman told me she took six months to get her full energy back, so given I’m more than twice the age she was at the time I can perhaps forgive my needing time to heal and be kind to my body and to my mind for that matter.

A short end piece. I heard about the notion that some people had a desire to be trans because it’s “trendy”, or that parents would somehow “encourage” their child’s “delusions” about being a boy or girl when born with the opposite genitals.

I’m not sure what world these people live in. Most parents are fairly disturbed when a child first comes out with such a declaration and have them looked at pretty carefully. Certainly nothing permanent is done until the child is essentially grown. Providing they still feel consistently trans they’d be supported in living in their target gender and be given hormone blockers at puberty (which are reversible), but any kind of surgery would wait until later as far as I’m aware.

The notion that someone would do this on a whim, the latest version being the “trendy” label, is laughable. It is just far too difficult. There are also guidelines and professionals who need to be satisfied you aren’t doing this for essentially the wrong reasons. Just living full time for a year would probably be a substantial deterrent if you weren’t trans.

I also wish that these idiots who insist that every child is a boy or a girl be introduced to intersex children, CAIS genetically male girls and other such challenges to their puny brains. As an old rather pious coworker wrote me “God doesn’t make mistakes but nature does”.

I’m hoping that we learn enough about the brain at some point to be able to explain it clearly enough, but those who insist that sex and gender each fit neatly into one of two boxes and only together will never accept it anyway. After all, it’s ok for them, right?


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