Do We Deceive

This is repeated with changes from a post I made to a trans forum. I was happy with the writing and thought it might help those who struggle with having waited all their lives to tell the truth. Edits: Italics are additions and strikethroughs are removals.

We deny things to ourselves, we take truths and fold them like the winter blankets and carefully put them away back in the corner of the mind’s closet. We adapt to keep them in check because each time we notice that fabulous blanket we also recognize that it doesn’t go with the pattern of our lives.

When we are young, and most in denial because we want a normal life and the blanket’s clashing colors are well hidden even from us, we court and marry and have our children. We feel genuine. We aren’t lying by not disclosing these things, we genuinely feel that it is a phase, or something we can conquer, just a queer aspect of our nature that can be kept away with a lock and key.

When we grow older the closet is less organized and no matter how we try that stupid blanket keeps falling out and spreading out into the hallways of our minds. It’s colorful and insistent and refuses to be ignored. Is it any wonder that we feel we have no choice? As a result we find out that we have to acknowledge our real natures. But we find out that it was a we had hid the blanket behind a screen and so hid ourselves.

Just remember that you have lied to yourself, and if she didn’t those you love haven’t heard the truth it is because you really didn’t know the truth.


 

Perhaps I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. We hold off admitting our natures to ourselves and to others for many reasons, including some that may seem very admirable and noble at the time. We tell ourselves we are saving our family anguish and we tell ourselves falsely that it need never be acknowledged, but only in an unfortunate world where you die young will this likely come true.

I quite correctly told myself my family would be destroyed and I’d hurt those who cared about me, but I gave them too little credit for strength and resilience and my life too little worth given how close I came to ruining it forever. I don’t wish for the impossible, nor do I reject my life as a man that had many positive aspects and experiences, but I do wish I had seen clearly.

I was right that the family I knew was taken apart with my revelation, but something has taken its place. What has taken its place is built on truth and not the fantasy that I’m someone I’m not. It saddens me that it has no place for the marriage that is dissolving, but many that dissolve do so for more trivial reasons and without such care having been taken to find ways to stay together.

If you’re wondering and you’re suffering I want you to know that the human spirit can survive many difficult things and stay strong. Someone said to me last night, you have a lot going on, and I said, “not much, just parkinson’s, depression, heading toward separation, restarting my life having just moved out last September, being post surgical” all in all just a day’s work for me now.

Just remember, life throws you challenges, you lose a partner, a parent, your home,  your livelihood. You can face it and grow or ignore it and whither. I know which answer I’ve chosen.

Choose well!

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3 thoughts on “Do We Deceive

  1. Rachel i burst into tears almost as soon as i began to read your post. This post is about me. i am just not as brave as you are. As i comment on your post i find myself breathing fast. i am going to print your post and read it in the morning and just before bed. Your post is amazing……………..sigh. my feelings simply won’t go away they get more intense in spite of my fears keeping me from transitioning. i have reached a point where i need to be me and still i am very frightened to do it. (((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))) thank you for a wonderful beautiful post. You are as wonderful and beautiful as your post is………………….no i lie you are much more wonderful and beautiful!

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  2. Oh my goodness, you’re going to make me cry. It’s about all of us, so of course it’s about you, and it’s about me, and about the dear person I wrote it for first. We are all afraid, and it is ever so hard to get past that fear, it takes so much to do that, and you will get there, I know you will.

    Remember, courage is not the absence of fear in the face of danger, it is going forth anyway even knowing there is danger and even being afraid. You have courage, you are brave and you are beautiful inside and outside.

    Let me leave you with this thought, is it brave if there is no choice? Find people who support you, find role models who’ve gone before who can advise you and you’ll be fine.

    Liked by 1 person

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