I’ve dated this because, it will become dated. I continue to take stock as things change, as I change as the people around me change, as my relationships change. Life is change, it stops when we die, and not before.
I’ve spoken before about what transition is, and I emphasized the mental. I was right to do so. In a very literal sense I believe that if I lost my breast augmentation and the breasts I had were little bumps, if my hips were nothing to write home about and my face and body no great shakes (and maybe they really aren’t at 59 at that), I’d still feel I was a woman. Undo SRS, still a woman. Lose the wig? I’d feel awkward and self conscious, still a woman.
Why? It is my identity, it is who and what I am. I am not the clothes I wear, the length of my hair, the makeup I put on for work. I am not the existence of a female shape in my body, the existence of a vagina or breasts I like having. I am not.
I am who I am because I am part of the group called female and not part of the group called male. I share in the experiences of that group. It is true I missed some experiences, and I at some level mourn that even though some of what I missed was unpleasant and better missed from an enjoyment point of view. I mourn it because it is part of a shared history and experience I can’t be part of.
Do the other things help me be me, and help me be a woman? I think so, I think they reinforce and support it. The help me validate that feeling every day in the mirror. They make it palatable for others to recognize me – but make no mistake. I could walk around in baggy men’s clothing and I still would not be taken for a man. It wouldn’t happen.
I’ve talked with a few girlfriends and asked “what do I do differently now”, meaning beyond the window dressing. I can’t answer that, they have no idea. They almost all see me as female and as Rachel, but they can’t see what’s different either.
Is it important to know? Probably not in the scheme of things. I clearly do the “right” things the right way because nobody ever says wow you’re really a strange woman or you sure you aren’t really a guy hiding in their? This even though I consider myself pretty assertive in my job. Somehow I do that and manage to not cross some line.
Transition is over and has been over for awhile. It was over when I stopped spending time thinking of myself as really being “other”. Maybe that’s a useful goal to think about. To just be what you want and need to be and to know that you’ve always been in Kansas, you just have to click those ruby slippers three times.
This has been a stream of consciousness, back to our regular programming.