Transition’s End

It has to happen with all things and so it does with transition as well. There comes a day when you think very little about whether people see you as a woman. Then another day when you don’t talk about trans issues with friends and see them liven up because that is all you’ve talked about for two years.

It doesn’t come to an end suddenly, it’s more that you start emerging from the ocean and finally are standing on dry land. You look around and the ocean isn’t there anymore and nobody really pays any attention to you. Your problems have been reduced to those of anyone else your age, or at least they are problems shared with “normal” people.

I think my head started out of the water a little before surgery. It was when I started to have the needed empathy to see clearly what I needed to do for my daughter and not be resentful that it wasn’t just. I had the strength then to see that it was my job as a parent to give her the space she needed, not to demand that she come around.

Then too was the time that as a couple we decided to separate, and it was only then I could see how important that would be for both of us, despite the emotional pain of the separation.

Because during transition we turn inward toward our own pain and struggle. Our loved ones often get short shrift and that is really a pity. I don’t know whether to feel awful that it was two years or good that it was only two years, but I wish I could have been able to handle both at the same time.

As I finished my healing from surgery this last Spring and over the Summer, so too was I finishing a good deal of emotional healing. It had been a bumpy ride that year between separation, surgery, the diagnosis of Parkinson’s, and even a few other private issues. It wasn’t a wonder that my pulse never dipped below 100 for months. It is finally getting back to normal now.

Generally now I’m not thinking about being trans or bringing it up in conversation with friends who are aware. I sometimes come out to people if I have a particular reason, but I’m usually sideways about it like, well I got married about 30 years ago or some other subtle hint.

I am learning to leave out subjects that lead to awkwardness or to dodge questions that would leave to explanations. In introductions today (a new employees lunch in our division and I was one of around five there) I said I have a 27 year old. I just didn’t talk about where she came from, but neither did my direct supervisor and that seems like a perfectly good deflection.

The good side of reaching this point is that I really am just living my life. My problems are those of a late fifties woman who’s trying to get her divorce done and find a partner. My problems have nothing much to do with being trans and it at some level just not relevant to me. The only time I get bugged is with my hair off, and that’s not a particularly big issue.

Remember that this time will come for you too. Make sure to start reengaging with interests and hobbies. Transitioning can be all consuming, but eventually you go back to living and  living is a lot more fun.

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