Pondering your road

I’m on a really lovely discussion forum for trans people. Most of the participants are older, but not all. I started with that group in 2012 when I came out, and if I’m on less now then I owe many people on their a debt along side friends, family, medical and psychiatric professionals.

If nothing else, please come away with this thought:

The sun comes up every day, and if you take your path step by step you can travel as far as you need to

This is not a race, but it takes endurance. It takes perseverance in the face of things that might be frightening at times. We can be frightened of the unknown. We can feel very vulnerable and mistrustful and not sure who we can count on.

This is a long journey for all of us who take it. It doesn’t really end  until we do and it comprises both great joys with the release of long held terrible burdens, and both emotional and very real physical pain. It can be costly in other ways too, but it is at least becoming less likely that one will lose everything and employers are generally much better than they used to be.

We are often impatient for hormones and surgery, and it is true that physical transformation is important. It brought me comfort and over the past year has left me to become comfortable with myself as female and not as a male wearing a girl suit. When I started I said “but I can’t really be”, because I’m a science person, and my therapist said, “close enough” and she was right. Close enough.

The true miracle is what happens in your head. What happens with your body can truly be very modest, especially as you get up in age. It’s the self and how you see her now and not him. It’s when after a period of time referring to yourself in the feminine starts to fit without any awkwardness because you’ve accepted it.

It’s when you reach the point where you actually don’t care what others think.

There was this point, and it wasn’t that long ago, three years ago, when I walked pretty much like a guy walks. I suspect that I carried  myself like a guy and I used guy language too. Sometime not too long after I started moving, walking and using words like a woman and now it is impossible for me to talk like a man and I don’t want to. I’m told I dress appropriately now and I seem to have gotten the knack of getting my makeup on after 3 years or so. Although it’s a little frustrating to do primer, foundation, concealer, blush and mascara only to have it look like I barely touched my face.

I do still talk with men sometimes, and of course all the time at work about work. My female friends now vastly outnumber my male friends.

I really don’t think I’m going to be alone. I don’t know what sort of person I’ll want for sure. Most likely I’ll end up with a female partner, I seem more strongly motivated in that direction overall. There are others who need to find partners my age and I haven’t found any hostile lesbians yet (I’m sure I will, transphobes live everywhere).

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