Former Friends

It all started with a joke on an email list I’m on of gaming buddies. We used to play dungeons and dragons together in more innocent days and I’ve known some of these men going back to 1984. The joke was political and just set me off, so I sent out a reply that I felt that way, that the recent election has me concerned and worse than concerned and a few more details that had nothing to do with the election.

I had stopped going to dinner with these guys many months ago as that wasn’t a rewarding experience. I had been dismayed when I received no contact before that before or after my surgery. What was interesting was that after sending off my diatribe I received no response, not personal, not to the group. No, hey, sorry you’re feeling that way. Nada.

I’m reasonably certain I’m quitting those mailing lists, I see no point to being on them or, in fact, maintaining any contact at all. What it inspired was for me to take stock of my pre-transition friends. I opened my facebook page and found of the male friends listed there almost all were either relatives or people I know through our temple.

I have this one fellow I’ve known since 1980 that I’ve regularly gotten together for lunch with. Now instead of every week we might do every month or six weeks. I’m not sure what would happen if I stopped asking. I’m guessing I can count actual male friends on one hand without any of them being really close at this point.

Why do I recount this? To set expectations. It doesn’t matter what they say or intend. It matters what happens. It’s already difficult for men to be friends with women, some can’t do that at all ignoring the transgender part. Those men see any sign of close friendship as an opening to romance. Some will have spouses that aren’t cool with you and well, you don’t count as much as the person they live with, that’s just the facts.

I do have lots of female acquaintances and some friends. This is getting better over time. I’m comfortable with them and they are with me. Don’t expect all women to be, but by and large I haven’t run into lots of problems. The biggest issue is acceptance from women who knew you well before and can’t get him out of their minds.

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