Memories from 2013 – Q1

As I understand it, it can take awhile for all the receptors to get recharged. I wasn’t surprised that my trans feelings came back with the hormones and the sex drive, and I guess I can honestly say that I missed them since they were part of me. For the last six weeks everything’s been pretty fine, and overall the terrible depression from last spring was well and truly gone. :D

Then I found myself almost out of control and very down for a couple of days suddenly. :? Our daughter’s been with us since end of May looking for work (and doesn’t know, and is spending full time at the house). So no opportunity to dress at home. I don’t think my wife’s any more ready to see me in a wig and skirt than before, so going away for the weekend with her and dressing wouldn’t work either. Advice? I hope you all forgive me for being a bit of a rainy day friend.

This was how 2013 started. Being transgender was part of my identity and even though it wasn’t gone for long and its absence was a bit of a relief, it was also a part of me. Oddly I was relieved when it was back, probably because I knew it was a false illusion of peace.

The hardest part for me is being intellectual about being TG. I know it doesn’t break down that way, and I know I can’t just tell myself to be happy with what I can do and is accepted, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing I could order my emotions, my psyche and me brain around so I could be happier with what I have. It feels like my psyche wants to sabotage what is my otherwise perfectly wonderful life. So I suppose that otherwise is the problem, but how do I let myself be enough Rachel so I can live the rest of my life in peace and not need to go further into scary land?

The issue here was that I already was recognizing that I was on a train gathering speed and I was terrified, but as J wrote in her response:

Good Luck on figuring that one out Rachel. I do not think any of us can order ourselves and our brain to just be happy with what we have. It would be nice if we could do that though.

Already, by the beginning of February I was starting toward significant time “en femme”:

I think my conclusion over the past week or two is that I need to start living as a girl on the weekends, perhaps just starting with a day a week and see how it goes. My SO’s big concern is whether our going out together is likely to be a scene, but I now have my therapist and two good friends to tell her I pass, and the friends can tell her I know how to walk without looking suspicious. I can definitely understand her worries.

Of course I’m paranoid about the way I look but the female friend was more worried about how I’d deal with advances from either sex. Apparently I’m cute, or so she and her companion tell me. I’ve never been a good judge about myself. I did conclude that as a guy that I had vastly underestimated my looks as a young man, but talk about water under the bridge.

I do get comments about my appearance but I only know I’m not bad looking. I tend to downplay positive comments.

Just a week later and another big step was being made and another considered:

So now that I’m seriously intending to spend time out of the house as Rachel, my therapist recommends I get electrolysis or laser. I suspect she’s right. I’ve had several terrible depressive weeks with my psyche going non-stop on how I’m living wrong, in the wrong body, etc.etc.etc. Yet I still want to preserve things that I can preserve and spare pain where I can.

I asked about hormones. She gave me many cautions. One in particular is a little alarming in that it sounds like it would take away virtually all my libido? Arguably that would make things worse at home. They aren’t rosy in the bedroom right now, but there’s at least something going on. It also sounded like the effects might be very undramatic in a 55 year old. So I’m reaching out and asking, yes? no?

Libido, HRT is a funny beast. I’d actually say that while you stop having a “driving” libido, you do end up with some libido or a feminine libido. However, I certainly haven’t gotten as worked up as some women have described from when they were younger, but given my age that might be entirely normal.

In March I tried to explain to my wife about dressing for me.

I did try to explain that putting on the clothes and the wig and such just makes it possible to feel calm and myself. That they are basically props. But she was too rooted in the thingness of it. How many items are necessary, etc. And never mind that it takes the place of something deeper that I dare not talk about at all.

The reason for that is because if you are transgender it isn’t the clothes, it is the life you lead and the social construct you live in and the body you have. The clothes aren’t unimportant, but there’s no charge to it. It isn’t the sexual thing it is for most cross dressers.

Then in mid to late March, I wanted her to be part of my existence in the world as Rachel.

She doesn’t want to leave the house with me. Not so strange, but I was curious as to the reason. She explained that deep in her heart she knew that I couldn’t possibly be passable. Felt I was deluding myself and that our friends were somehow wrong. Evidence of other trips to the contrary. Who could blame her? Accepting me as passable was yet another acceptance of me in female mode, another inch along a path that wasn’t nice for her.

But I talked with her and made a proposal that I felt was nonthreatening. We could go together to a shopping mall far enough away from home that we’d have minimal to no chance of running into neighbors or me running into a work colleague. I would walk in and she could trail as she liked. She could observe, disconnected from me whether people were glancing behind my back, making faces, or whatever she imagined I was missing.

And we actually did that. Nothing happened of course. And she felt it was too small a sample, but I think it did help some. So perhaps we can plan some other nonthreatening outing for next weekend and take another small step.

And we did continue to have outings and she did over time grow more comfortable.

 

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