With September came the falling away of those last doubts and fears. Testosterone had lost its seductive libidinous power over me.
Getting into the endocrinologist at first was driving me to despair:
No delays is a forlorn hope. The good news was that my regular therapist and I were all on the same page on everything. Starting HRT, schedule for coming out at work/going full time, etc. Bad news was the local expert endo is booking appts in November. But I can be a nuisance and hope for a cancellation and the office has my name and is going to try and notify me as well.
However, I ended up there on October 3rd. I’m guessing I wasn’t the only terrified MtF who had ever called.
The other news is really just good. I’ve talked with those I have to tell at work, my dept head and his assistant, a security person and the hr person I had previous talked to. I’ve told them all that I do want to preserve my right to change my mind up to January, but I’m sure they would keep it under wraps anyway. We’re a business that keeps secrets as a matter of course so this is a rather trivial problem to deal with for any of us. Everyone was extraordinarily supportive, spent a good deal of time with me and promises to make the whole process whatever’s going to make me comfortable.
And then the cat was out of the bag. I had dropped some hints with one of the managers, but this was big time. My initial plan was to go full time in January. It ended up being March.
During October my wife and I also attended Fantasia Fair, a trans event every fall in Provincetown. I’d guess they get good rates with it being the low season. My wife did well with a group of affected spouses, I did OK but would have liked fewer crossdressers and more trans women to share stories with. I don’t have a problem with crossdressers, they just don’t inhabit a female space.
I do have to say that in late October I was still only so so on the passibility meter. Most people used the right pronouns but getting sirred wasn’t uncommon. That would change rapidly over the next six months.
In November a very big day as I file paperwork to change my name:
I’m taking stock. Today was a big day. I went to the Middlesex county Family and Probate court and filed the petition to change my legal name to Rachel. I had to bring my certified birth certificate and because we’re married our marriage license and my wife’s signature on the petition, which didn’t entirely please my wife. Amazingly everything went well and quickly, and for $165 + $40 for two certified copies, my name will be changed in a couple of weeks.
The document is a petition in Massachusetts but has various other names in other states and other countries. While it may not be absolutely required from a legal standpoint, from a practical standpoint many organizations will not proceed with a name change without such a record.
Thanksgiving was spent at my sister’s. She, my brother in law and niece got to meet Rachel for the first time in person and were very nice. The next day I dropped my wife at her mom’s and drove home.
In early December the name change was done and a recounting three months into HRT. Incidentally, not nine weeks as you’ll see.
I’ve heard back from the court and my name is now legally Rachel, although I won’t be going full time for another nine weeks. I’m on 2mg estradiol, 100mg spiro now. Some fat redistribution, the weight is roughly stable from the start but +1 in at the calves, +2 at the thighs, +1 at the hips, even at the waist. As noted in my earlier post my nipples are crying out for attention.
Others have commented that my face is perhaps a little more round, my chin a little more pointed. I dunno, I see them every day so I can’t tell. It does seem to me that my complexion is different and perhaps a bit lighter.
Skin is much softer. Also much more sensitive so epilation on my arms is a no no now.
Body hair seems to be getting finer and receding a little bit from hands and lower arms, lower back. Gives me hope for other problem areas.
I don’t feel that different emotionally, but I think there have been psychological changes and emotional changes. They’re just in concert with what’s been going on anyway so it is very hard to untangle one from the other
Let me finish 2013 with a narrative. It ended sadly. My situation with the inlaws deteriorated and to her great credit my wife stayed with me over the Christmas holiday. We went out for a lovely Christmas eve dinner.
This was incredibly stressful along with some other factors and between that, and my wife’s state of mind and my being able to benefit from a few more biweekly weeks of electrolysis going full time was pushed to March. Honestly, just as well.