Starting Over

My count of the ways my life has changed keeps racking up numbers. Transition, parkinsons, increased migraines, continued depression, worsening depression. It keeps going.

Transition finally, mostly fell off the list, and soon divorce or legal separation, whatever step we decide, will have happened. Not that this will be happy. I have a deep sad pit in me where my marriage was, and nothing is on the horizon to start filling that pit.

Continued friendship with my spouse is invaluable, my daughter even talks to me now, but my daughter has her own life. I’m left with mine and I’m having trouble with rebuilding. When we are young it is easy to build friendships. I think our minds are just more open, less critical, and  more likely to find others knocking about as well.

At fifty  nine in contrast much of the world is married and not being married leaves me  out of  a lot of social occasions. Many old marital friends either feel like they need to choose, don’t understand me or actively disapprove – not that I would ever be actually told such a thing.

My therapist has suggested doing things I like and that makes sense but is much harder. I get tired much more easily – partly from age, partly from depression, perhaps some from lack of faith. Driving for thirty-forty minutes is harsh, so living here away from Boston really cuts down on the opportunities. I may have to rethink my location once finances are known.

It is hard though. Either you do ok, and then they feel sorry for the one you left behind, or you don’t do ok so it’s kind of depressing to be around a failed person. Just a bad situation. You don’t get invited to a lot of things, and I’m afraid that despite all the support I have had, there’s been little done by anyone in my community or amongst my wife’s friends to help me better integrate. While I understand I still find it really painful.

I’m left to wonder what I really want. Perhaps for the best would be to plan on not living so close and being in a different community where the past does not haunt me.



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