We all have one. We use it daily, hiding behind a pleasant smile or a dull mask. A rictus that never changes like Kelly Ann Conway’s, or perhaps a sad clown face.

some wear their hearts on their sleeves and we all do time to time. Not all joys and woes are truly containable within us and demand to be let out. We kvell when our child is a rock star at work, has our first grandchild or maybe just said her first words.

We cry because we’ve found out our spouse is seriously ill, our parent has passed away or we are being divorced.

I’ve never been good at keeping up a facade, mostly. Ecause I viewed too many people as close enough to share with. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing, it’s just a thing. It is how I cope with my world.

My shield and armor through transition was that others had it worse than me. Well, mostly true. I kept my job, or at least I was able to stay at the same company. In fact I lost pretty much what all trans people lose except that I’m better off financially having a good profession and the good fortune to be more than passable.

Transition is over and normal concerns are front and center and are making life difficult. A trio of physical problems sap my energy and they are all treatable but incurable at this point. Lots of research. Parkinson’s in particular attracts Hugh fund because it affects around a million.people just in the US.

As I face a future where I likely collect a check without working, how do I feel justified? Sure, I and many others pay for disability for years never thinking to use it, and sure I’m quickly becoming unable to focus or expend the energy, but why?

it struck me that this is the same Jobian question that a younger me asked about being trans.

There is no specific answer other than misfortune.

There’s much to be thankful for each new morning

Remember each day that others need your help more than you need theirs.

Find a life of meaning within what you can do. This is not a zero sum game. By us all contributing we all become richer and by overcoming our pain and smiling we can make somebody’s day,

“May a smile be your umbrella on that rainy, rainy day… (Fain and Wheeler)



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